Bizarro World

Oh Joan Allen, how I love thee. You are talented and beautiful and poised, and I suspect you can both solve trigonometry problems in your head and prepare roasted goose from scratch. So why, pray tell, are you appearing in Death Race as a warden running the "worst and toughest for-profit prison in the country" where your claim to fame is creating "the country's most popular pay-per-view sport, a kill-or-be-killed car race where the inmates race to win their freedom from prison after 5 wins?" Why? Did you lose a drinking game with your agent? Was the contract for Death Race erroneously attached to the end of the script for The Bourne Complacency (in which Jason Bourne decides he's tired of running and settles down in the suburbs, only to fight a nasty invasion of crab grass)? Why aren't you playing Mrs. Fitzgerald in My Sister's Keeper? There is no Upside to my Anger. I am no longer in Pleasantville. Maybe you could jump into one of those monster vehicles from Death Race and barrell your way into the set of My Sister's Keeper and wrench the role away from Cameron Diaz. Now that's something I'd like to see.

Little House On The Plasma

I just finished writing a guest blog for a friend of mine. Her blog's all about children's books (www.funbooksforkids.blogspot.com) and, in the process of picking a children's book to write about, I started thinking about my favorite books as a child. Among them were Boxcar Children, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, the C.S. Lewis books, and A Wrinkle in Time. But, hands down, my clear favorite were the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. In fact, just a couple of years ago when we finally moved into our permanent home (one can hope...we had moved 13 times in 10 years up to that point. so far, so good...), I unpacked some boxes that had been in storage for nearly a decade, and found the entire Laura Ingalls Wilder series. I did what any self-respecting 32 year old woman would do...I read them in order over the next three days. If you read the books as a child and haven't revisited them as an adult, I encourage you to do so. As a little girl, I was awed and inspired by the adventure and Laura's pioneer spirit (and more than a little proud that my name was Laura, too). As a mother, the books made me tired for poor Ma Ingalls. I was aware of how much work it took just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. I noticed the discrepancy in class between the settler Ingalls and the farmer Wilders - I wonder if Almanzo's mom thought he was marrying beneath him. And I felt a little ashamed at how wasteful we've become....for goodness sakes, when Pa butchered a hog, they used every part, even playing ball with the inflated bladder.

But this isn't about the Shakespearean undertones of the Wilder/Ingalls union, Pa's fiddle, or pig organs. It's about the fact that not once when I reread the books did I picture Melissa Gilbert or Michael Landon. Perhaps that's because I read the books before I ever saw the television program. Our house wasn't a big TV house when I was growing up (the two exceptions being That's Incredible! and The Cosby Show). I remember sitting in my friend Sandy's living room after gymnastics practice and Sandy's mom turned on Little House on the Prairie. I was confused at first. Why didn't the show start with Little House in the Big Woods? Why were there story lines that I didn't remember from the books? But then I became interested and, I dare say, addicted to the show. I don't think I missed an episode. But even though I knew the show was based on the books, I was able to separate the characters in print from the characters on the small screen. Michael Landon was a great Pa, but the book Pa was shorter and stockier and far more rugged, with mountain man hair and strong arms. It was the same for the other characters, save Nellie, who was played to print-perfection by Alison Arngrim.

I have to wonder (oh my goodness, that sounds sooooo Carrie Bradshaw, doesn't it?), am I part of the last generation that can separate print and screen? Successful children's books are made into movies so quickly these days the literary imagination barely has time to spark. And it seems like older books are turning into film by the ten-fold. Will my kids, for example, have the ability to picture anyone but Daniel Radcliffe when they read Harry Potter? Will Narnia's White Witch be forever associated with the incomparable Tilda Swinton? When Horton Hears A Who, will children hear only Jim Carrey? By the time my kids are able to read these books, chances are they will have already been saturated by movies, ads, plastic fast-food toy tie-ins, revised book covers, t-shirts, and video games. There's nothing wrong with turning a good book into a good film . . . I just wonder how it changes the reading experience in the first place . . .

My Sister's Keeper Stars One Of Charlie's Angels? Huh?

There's a fair amount of internet buzz surrounding the casting of Cameron Diaz in the movie adaptation of Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper. And the bees are angry. She's too young appears to be the collective refrain emanating from the hive. Let me add my voice to the drones. I just finished the book and can't stop thinking about it. If you haven't read it, stop pretending to work, walk away from the computer, and RUN to Barnes and Noble or your local library. If you're punching a clock and can't leave, get thee to Amazon now. Do not pass go. I promise your boss isn't looking.

I didn't know until today a movie was in the works. I was taking a break between reading legal briefs today, and visited La Picoult's website (which is fabulous, by the way - she's witty and real) because I couldn't get the book out of my head (if you've read it, you understand. if you haven't, GO READ IT!). The site had a one sentence blurb encouraging me to watch for the film, starring Cameron Diaz. My thoughts went something like this:
Cameron Diaz? She's way too old to play one of the daughters. Girlfriend is cute and perky, but even surfing every day can't make her look 16, especially without the Timberlake arm candy. I wonder how much fat is in this giant plate of peanut butter crackers I just made? Crunch, crunch - gasp - cough cough cough - she couldn't be playing the mom, Sara, could she? No, there's no way. She's too young. She's too cute and perky. I've lost my appetite. Might as well go back to legal briefs. Oh, wait a minute. She must be playing Julia, the young-ish guardian ad litem who used to have pink hair and falls in love with the snarky lawyer. The world makes sense now. Mmmm...peanut butter straight from the jar is dee-lish.
And then I ruined a perfectly lovely day. I mosied on over to the nice people at http://www.imdb.com/ and there it was. Cameron Diaz as Sara Fitzgerald with Jersey hair. Apparently Joan Cusack is part of the cast, too, but her role isn't listed. She's up near the top, though, so I presume maybe she's playing Julia? Joan Cusack is fantabulous, but she's too old for Julia. These two ladies should do a Freaky-Friday switcheroo and make everyone happy. Joan has the gravitas to play Sara Fitzgerald, and it's high time she sunk her teeth into a complicated role. Let me be clear - Cameron is not a bad actress. I rather like her (though I'm starting to wonder if her booty has it's own pay or play contract - it finds a way to shake or dance in every flippin' film it's in....) - but she's not right for the role. There's the age issue, but there's more. Sara is not cute or perky...Sara is a devastated mother faced with hard choices and, frankly, not entirely sympathetic. I found myself angry at her during much of the book, and that's not an emotion I generally associate with Cameron. Sally Field would have been perfect in her day. Or Meryl Streep (oooh, I got goosebumps just thinking about that). Also, I'm not sure the role can or should be played by anyone who has not birthed or adopted a child. No amount of research can prepare you for the feeling of motherhood - for the pain and joy of wearing your heart outside your chest.

Cameron may surprise us all. She may pull it off and establish herself as a "serious" actress, but much like the Olympian I'm watching as I type this...she has some big hurdles to clear.

Oh, and p.s. - in case you're jonesing for my thoughts on the rest of the cast...Abigail Breslin as Anna seems okay, I guess. I've only seen her in Little Miss Sunshine, but I thought she was pretty good (the movie, on the other hand was overrated - the "little indie that could" of that particular year . . . ). Alec Baldwin as the snarky lawyer, Campbell, is a perfect fit....10 years ago. Jason Patric as Brian Fitzgerald, as the anchor, the most understated, heartbreaking character in the book....I'm somewhat ambivalent. I don't think he's perfect, but the choice doesn't send me into fits of rage. However, Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Denny Duquette from Grey's Anatomy) as Brian would be, in a word, divine.

Eat Pray Love The Movie

I read a piece in Variety a few months ago that prompted me to send a flurry of emails to my best girlfriends, subject line "WTF?!" I'd had that feeling before, like when I learned Pirate's Booty snacks weren't fat free, or my husband washed and dried my new sweater, creating a cozy little cover-up that would fit the cat. Utter dismay. The article was about Ms. Hollywood herself, Phinnaeas and Hazel's mom (and the third one...Henry?), the ex-Mrs. Lovett...Julia Roberts. She of the thousand-watt smile either had signed on or was talking about or had optioned the rights to play Elizabeth Gilbert in the movie adaptation of Gilbert's book, Eat Pray Love (Sorry, I'm a bit sketchy on the details - I think I may have had a mini-stroke after reading the news). I'll admit, I'm a tad obsessed with with Eat Pray Love and all things Lizzie G. Her Oprah episodes are permanent fixtures on my TIVO, I've read and reread and dog-eared and underlined the book. I continue to listen to the book over and over on cd (narrated by Lizzie G. herself, no less), and I bought a copy for every single one of my friends at Christmas. I even gave them out as prizes at Bunco. I stalk people in Barnes and Noble who I see considering the book, touching them on the arm and saying things like, "it will change your life," and "I wasn't complete until I read this book." I buy extra copies every time Costco restocks, just in case....I consider it an emergency reserve for my soul.



It never occurred to me that it would be made into a movie. It's a "feel" book, not a "plot" book, so it doesn't seem like movie material. I often read books and picture the movie version. Some books scream "make me into a film!" from the moment you open then, almost as if the author was simultaneously drafting the first chapter and crafting a mesmerizing opening shot. A few come to mind...Memoirs of a Geisha, Angels and Demons and it's slightly less attractive twin The Da Vinci Code, most books by Jodi Picoult. Other books are so beautiful on the page that translation the multi-plex destroys their literary heart. Case in point, Simon Birch, the movie version of A Prayer for Owen Meany. I was wary when I first heard it was being made. Then when Ashley Judd signed on to play the mother, I thought the casting was just about right, so maybe they'd get the movie right, too. Then I saw it. Ugh. John Irving should have a standing restraining order against anyone connected to Hollywood. Oliver Platt...really? (And lest anyone point this out to me, yes, I know the Cider House Rules movie was actually very well done....)



But let's save the John Irving discussion for another day and think about this Eat Pray Love casting news. So it's going to be a movie...fine. But I cannot wrap my head around Miss "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy" playing Lizzie G. Now, the Pretty Woman is talented, I'll give you that, and she certainly has her place in Hollywood...but that place is behind the Mystic Pizza counter or in a bathroom stall at her Best Friend's Wedding or on Hollywood Boulevard in a platinum wig and a micro-mini attached to her tank top by those metal rings my kids use to hold together their math flashcards. Yes, she was good in that movie where she used her boobs to save all those people from contaminated water. (We could have a heated discussion about whether the performance was Oscar-worthy...) But as Lizzie G? As the woman who traveled to three countries to find herself and inspired a revolution of consciousness among women? I don't see it. I can't get past the hair and the teeth and the infectious laugh. Julia plays parts well, but she is still Julia....I find myself watching her and thinking, "wow, Julia's doing a good job in that role," but I don't suspend disbelief and let her become the character. Maybe she's too big a star - too much a marquee name for this type of role. I'd prefer to see a newcomer, an unknown play Lizzie G. But, if that's not possible, then a star with an inner radiance...an inner quality that seeps out...a calm, a peace, an innate Lizzie-ness. And a sense of malleability. The always wonderful Kate Winslet could do a great job. She's on my short list of actors who can make any movie better merely by their presence (see, also, Ed Norton, Daniel Day-Lewis). And I'm probably going to divide people on this one, because she's a love her or hate her kind of woman, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say Gwyneth Paltrow would be lovely. She even looks a bit like Lizzie G., and she's stayed out of the spotlight enough that I don't associate her with any "type" of character. And we all know from that ill-timed picture of her back with the marks from cupping that she, like Lizzie G, explores new frontiers and doesn't stay safely in the mainstream. It would also be a great role for an actor from back in the day. Sort of a reinvention a la John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. How about Elisabeth Shue? Leaving Las Vegas showed us she can act, and she has a softness about her that would complement the story. But Julia Roberts? Do we not remember the debacle that transpired the last time Hollywood paired her with high-profile material (the material, in this case, being Brad Pitt)? I don't want Eat Pray Love the movie to go the way of The Mexican.



And Julia's casting raises another concern...with the Runaway Bride in the lead, who would play the other roles? What about her older lover, Felipe, (now her husband, by the by, for anyone who didn't see Lizzie G. on Oprah)? We're talking about the man who folded and unfolded her, told her she was beautiful over and over again, and to whom she finally opened up after a year of devastation, rebirth and self-realization. I almost can't say it out loud, but what if...good Lord...it's Richard Gere? It just wouldn't work. I never pictured Felipe squinting at Lizzie G. as if he's constipated, while loudly nose breathing. Maybe Liam Neeson could play Felipe, or Peter Skaarsgard, or one of my favorite underused actors, Patrick Stewart (my husband says I have an unnatural attraction to Captain Picard, but that's beside the point...). But I'm afraid that won't happen, because Hollywood will feel the need to make him "pretty."

And the others? Salma Hayak as Wayan the exotic healer? John Goodman as Richard from Texas? The guy from the Mac commercials as her young Indonesian guitar-playing friend Yudhi? Oh, the possibilities are depressing.

So, yea, I'm not all that excited about the woman who played (everyone, in a creepy whisper, now) Mary Reilly stepping into Lizzie G's shoes. But I am thankful for one thing...at least it's not Katherine Heigl.